About Me

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Gurgaon, Haryana, India
Dont claim to be a great writer but love to pen down those random thoughts in my head,share what I feel,however irreverant or unconventional they may be.Here's my take on things which matter to me,delight me,comfort me and give wings to my fancy, be it fashion,living,music,movies,books,family or Love! Peace to all...and restlessness to those who dare to think differently!A science graduate, a fashion-post-graduate,a wife, a mom but above all a lover of all things beautiful and sensitive. Romance, wine and music..I can live solely on these.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Relationships have always intrigued me, right from when I was young...then I struggled to understand the equations between grown-ups (sometimes even eveasdropping on their conversations)...and now still wonder at the complexities behind what appears so simple.

Sometimes I want to unravel all the threads wrapped around relationships and see the core underneath, untempered with , raw! Oh, but wait....will that be a simple truth or another mesh of entangled thoughts and emotions...complexes and insecurities, love mingled with hate, passion mixed with indiffference?

I see a couple, married for long, and so much in love....no hint of fatigue of the years gone by, playful, loving, content. So then, why sometimes I see the woman's eyes fill with some unknown longing of the past...of the days gone by...yearning to feel once again the delicious uncertainities of those days? What can I call this irrrational urge I see in her.....to be in the arms of the man she loves the most and yet want him? She looks at this man, searches his face and sees what she has always seen. For him, she is the most desirable woman, the magic of his life, his music, his muse..and she knows then that this is the core of her life..........All her wanderings and yearnings end here and here only.
I meet friends, who married for love, against odds..and today I see them saying things to needle each other. Behind the facade of polite humor, jabbing each other with words and gestures , chosen carefully, aiming where it can do most damage. Demand of polite society makes me also laugh at the so-called "jokes" but I cringe inside. What changes so much between two loving poeple that love gives way to this animosity...this everlasting battle? I want to remind them of the time when all they wanted was to be with each other.........now they carefuly plot to put other people between them, so that the damage done is done under covers.
Is it marriage that changes feelings, replacing thrill and tenderness with scorn, indifference, impatience? Does the mundane take away from the sublime?
There are some couple I have seen, who come to life only in others' company...just being with each other is not interesting or exciting enough. It is when they see themselves through other, more interesting eyes that they feel reassured of their desiribilty. Maybe they need this outside influenece to spice up their , by now, mundane, predicatble love life.
Equations are ever changing....so is love. It changes its nature, its cover, from passion to tenderness, from attentive to indifferent, from sublime to mundane.
When I think and mull over all this, what I remember most is what Chandru once told me...."It is easy to say that love is over, love has changed...what love needs is a commitment to nurture it always, though its different stages, its different moods, then it grows..up and beyond life". He always surprises me, saying things which calm me immediately, puts my troubled mind to rest.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Sometimes what puts things into perspecive, like nothing else, are words uttered by my 3 yr old daughter, Advita. A child, with her inherent simplicity can say things, which sound profound...and are so heart-felt...and thats what is so touching...revealing so many things to me.

Chandru's mom and granny are visiting us and Advita is having such a great time with them, enjoying their undivided and unadultereted attention.
Yesterday as I am sitting with them, Advita quitely comes near and me holding my chin in her hands (as is her habit while talking to me) says quitely, "Mamma, please never grow old, promise me"..and then as if in bargain, "I will also not become big, OK?".

I am intrigued by this sudden pronouncement, while she searches my face, waiting for me to say OK. Then I see her eyes wandering to her great-grandmother, who huddles in from the balconey.
So that's what has provoked this thought in my little darling's overactive mind!
I understand now, as she watches patti coping and struggling with the debilitating age, she has understood old age to be something not so desirable.

I anyway ask her why she is saying this and she says.."coz then you will not be so pretty and you won't be able to walk..and then who will comb my hair?"...oh my goodness...so many thoughts jostling in such little brains!!!
The thought of her mom growing old is so terrifying for her that she is ready to compromise on getting "big"..her single most burning ambition at this point of time! Somehow in her mind she has made the connection between her getting bigger with my getting older...admirable thought process in one so young!
What should I tell you my sona adaa...! Well, it was the question of old age, illness and such misery which provoked young Sidhartha to take "sanyaas" and seek enlightment. But I am no enlightened soul...I search for words which will put your mind to rest and still be truthful.

Shall I tell you that I also, at times, wish we were all frozen in time, while I remain like this, you remain this delightful 3-year old child.....one who deliciously surprises me every day with something new, something mischeveous...one who looks up to me all the time, trying to emulate me, making my heart swell with pride? and still, at times, I want to see you blossom into a young girl, spirited girl, who argues with me, trying to prove her own point. Trying to hold on to your innocence, while looking forward to your growing up......

I try to divert your mind, saying of course you will become big like mamma...but you dont give up and tell me " dont leave me and go anywhere..if you become old, you will die"! I am lost for words now! Can I tell you I will never be old, never die? I take recourse in the simpler answer and I tell her that I will be with you only, always. She seems satisfied and gets engrossed in her games with her imaginary friends...leaving me to ponder over things she said.
Oh the fear of getting old, dying, being without our loved ones....it affects even the little ones...while we grown ups, in our arrogance , imagine oursleves as ageless, immortal.

Today morning as I got dressed to drop her to school, she looks at me and exclaims " Oh you look so pretty everyday mamma...I also want to be like you" :)...now thats what I like to hear rani bitiya...say that again!

Monday, March 26, 2007

Lately when I talk with friends, aquaintances, relatives, I feel there is a shield around people....as if there is an elsatic wall in front of them which bounce my words back at me....mixed with certain words of their own....which may or may not be relavant at all to what I was saying! It is like talking "at" people, not "to" them.

No one wants to listen, people are not "interested" anymore in other's lives, their experiences...all they want is to talk about themselves. Even before I can finish what I want to say, I can see their mind working fast , running ahead to say something which is of interest to them. Empty eyes, even emptier words!
I remember my younger, simpler days when I actually used to have conversations, not a contest on who can come up with better "stories". Today time ticks fast, we hurry by everything, even words are hurried...losing their meaning. When I talk with friends, I find myself desparately clutching on the thread of conversation, trying to make some sense out of all this "oh, but u listen to this...."
I remember when conversations were fun, sharing of thoughts, some meaningful, some not so much.....over forgotten cups of tea getting cold, while our thoughts simmered into words.
So what has changed? As we grow older, do we lose patience with others..and their lives...so preoccupied with ourselevs that we just want to "tell" what is ours, while pretending to "listen" to our friends?? Or the pressure of urban consumerist life is such that it is more importnt to hear our own words than listen to others? Or obsession with self has become the way of life?
I feel suffocated at times, choked with irrelavant words......tired!
Come friends, lets talk once again....listen to each other, there is no contest here, no pretense...we talk to be heard...and we listen to understand...lets discover the joy of conversation!